Depression & DUI's Turning Darkness into Divinity

I came too, smoke from the engine clouding my windshield. I saw the hood of my car connected to a telephone pole. I vaguely remember a deer running across the road or maybe it was a hallucination. I was, after all, high on cocaine, cannabis and alcohol.

For years, I kept all of my emotions bottled up inside. The truth is… I had a lot to say, I was just to scared to share it and I didn’t know how, so I partied to feel wild and free. I never thought it’d get to this point though and this accident was just a reflection of how almost 20 years of suppression literally blew up in my face.

Suppressing what we have to say in this lifetime is simply not worth it. Here’s what I learned on the journey.

Truth will set you free.. it’ll also fuck you up.
Embrace the shadow to find healing light.
Living in divinity and dharma
How to to talk about shame safely
Accepting the Universe’s gift of honesty

All I have from that night are tiny blips, waking up in the drunk tank with barely any clothes on, An old crackly voice saying, “You’re too pretty to be in here,” trying to remember my boyfriend’s name, and a young black man who took me to reclaim my belongings who asked, “So, what you’d blow?” “.32,” I responded, a nearly lethal BAC.

Maybe you’ve been there too…

The end of an abusive relationship, a lifetime of hiding in the closet, years of lying to yourself at a soulsucking job, or sitting with pills and a razor on the edge of the bathtub. You’re not alone; I’ve been there too. Some people call this our darkest hour, and for those of us, who’ve dealt with depression, we have more than a few.

Wherever you are in this life journey, there is something that is hiding in the shadows which has the potential to change everything, if you let it.

Within this darkness hides your divinity.

This isn’t the only bombshell that I’ve dropped. You might also want to read about my layoff and my abortion. Check out Layoffs & Lifecycles & I Had An Abortion to learn more.

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE… IT’LL ALSO FUCK YOU UP.

My boyfriend was in the waiting room at the county jail. He took me back to his house. I crawled under the covers, never wanting to face the light of day. He carried me, like a baby, to his car. When we rolled up to my parents house, they were waiting at the front door. It’s hard for me to tell this part still.

I came inside, head bowed, so ashamed. My mom told me that, when they sat my 3 sisters down to share the news, my sisters started crying. They thought I was dead.

My relationship to alcohol was no longer a badge of honor. I was no longer, the party girl, the wild one.

I was now someone who was playing Russian roulette with my life.

The following ensued: an instant revocation of my license, the statement “Guilty” in front of a judge, a long car ride to the local jail, coughing and squatting, reading romance novels in a tiny cell, flavorless baloney sandwiches, and beyond.

I’m not trying to discourage you from getting honest; I’m just saying don’t let it get this far.

This was the darkest moment of my life, the turning point from which I could never go back, and the truth truly did set me free.

EMBRACING THE SHADOW AND THE HEALING LIGHT

After I got out of jail, the court mandated therapy. I met my therapist Ken at a local restaurant. I sat there in front of him. Eyes downcast. We spoke for a while. I felt a little bit less like a failure. At our next meeting, he handed me a blue journal and said the words, “Life and death matter.” I wrote them on the first page.

In those words, I heard my choice: I could continue to go through my life passively destroying everything around me or I could actively create a life and a world that inspired me. As I wrote in this journal, I rediscovered my truth. I threw myself into design education, fueled by a devotion to this one sacred life.

I became the Creatress. I saw myself as both dark and light, a teacher and a student, a goddess and a rebel, a beacon and a shitstorm.

I felt my ability to create and destroy, to play the great cosmic game, and in that divine Flux was my greatest healing of all.

We are beings of infinite potential. We are everything.

LIVING IN OUR DIVINITY AND DHARMA

Once I stopped running from my shadow, I came into the present moment, the space of center. I was no longer afraid that I would get “found out”. I moved forward with purpose and confidence.

Writing in my journal those first weeks, sans booze, I was clear as a fucking bell. I could feel my whole body again. My “yes” became clear. I honored my “no’s”. The slate was wiped clean. It was magic.

A year later, I got hired by a big fancy pants design agency. My mom asked me, “So are you going to tell them about your DUI.” Matter of factly I responded, “Yep, I put it right on my application.” Now, I often ask my clients, “What do you NOT want me to know about you?” Because once we get that out of the way, we are free. Living honestly taps us into our divinity, we now consciously choose our path from a place of integrity and purpose. If we choose, we can use our story and this new path to change the world.

IS IT SAFE TO SHARE MY STORY?

This is a question I get a lot. The truth is like a sword. It cuts through all illusion. The truth is your greatest ally and your only weapon in this lifetime to free you from bullshit and bring you to your essence. I used to have an ass load of stories like the one above shoved into all the nooks and crannies of my life, hiding them desperately. I started small. I started with safe people. The older I’ve grown the more honest I get, the less skeletons I have in my closet, and the more unapologetic and carefree I am.

What is a safe person? A safe person is someone who listen without judgement. If you don’t have any of those, I would encourage you to join my self-lead course, Muse Alchemy, to experience the joy of authentic feeling.

THE UNIVERSE’S GIFT — YOUR SOUL FAMILY

This is the last sparkly bit! Vulnerability and authenticity are magnets that repel people out of your space whp don’t belong and attract in a community of clients and friends who will love you for you, 100%, no questions asked, no negotiables.

The people who are left in your sphere are you soul family. They will, I hope, occasionally, call you on your shit. That’s a beautiful part of this process! Embrace it, love these special humans. They are the Universe’s gift to you for your honesty.

OTHER TIPS FOR SHARING YOUR STORY

Finally, any amount of sharing is amazing. If you want to go Live on FB, I’m with you. If you want to let one little detail leak out on IG, that’s great too!

If you do feel so bold and confident enough to share your darkness publicly, these are my tried and true tips.

Envision the best outcome.
Picture yourself sharing your story or writing with such presence, with love in your eyes, with compassion in your voice and see someone receive this message with gratitude. Then, imagine the worst possible response occurring in front of you. Be okay with both.
Stay in service.
As you’re writing and speaking, ask yourself, “What is the point of this?” If you are just trying to get a jawdrop, it’s not the time to share. If your intent is to help someone and to be of service, use your voice.
Make your point.
We share to connect and we do so with intention. How can this help someone else? Hold this in mind as you speak and don’t get too stuck in the details.
Give yourself permission to make your same mistakes.
Honestly, you’re doing amazing. You are a different person today than you were yesterday and these lessons are the work of your life. You will fall into darkness again and that darkness will be healing too! Just don’t let yourself stay there. Repeat the process listed above and you will free yourself daily!